Such a long week. The sadness of knowing that I can do my best and still get nowhere just frustrates me. A beautiful opportunity lands at your feet and you can't take advantage of it because there is just no money. I sat on my sofa and cried like I hadn't in years. "Don't worry, Mom", "It's okay, Mom, I don't have to go"... It slowly kills me. You can rob Peter to pay Paul but it just gets you deeper, right? I fight to keep our heads above water. My heart is always, ALWAYS in my chest. Is today the day?
I often wonder about what my legacy will be to my children. I fear that I've projected my anxiety onto them. I pray that I have loved them so much, that it will outweigh the fact that I can't give them what I want, Or what they need. My friend Jon told me that what my little family is going through will build character. I get that, but does it have to cost them so much?
I watch my son. I know it hurts him. I know he wants to be in college so very badly. His friends are all going back, he stays. I kick myself for trusting an a poor excuse of a person. "I'll always take care of my kids", my ass. New York state has such crummy laws. This nonsense has gone on for so long. Reds flags should have gone up years ago.
I'm learning valuable lessons this week. Dignity and self-respect, I'm trying like hell to hold onto to them both. Sure, I live on the Upper East Side in good old NYC. Folks are impressed by that. Status. Wealth. I can't pay my rent. #BeingBrokeOnTheUpperEastSide
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